Dream a little dream

Last night I had this dream.  Despite attempts to not dwell on it, the fact that I could find out about the graduate program soon has been on my mind.  So, along with a number of other things that I don't have any control over in my life, I was thinking about that and I had one of those really long dreams last night.

The bit I want to share because I am bored and like to pretend like people read my blog, involved a number of my friends here in Salt Lake.  Along with hundreds of people, we were in this building like you would see in a futuristic movie where everyone has to live together.

 It wasn't a bad feeling but I had no idea what we were doing there.  One by one, my friends were called to go do this test.  They were all chill about it and acted like they knew what it was all about.  The only reason I wasn't freaking out was because Krista Kendall was so confident about it.  And I thought, "If she isn't worried about all the millions of things this could be then I definitely don't have to be." And while I hung out, I saw some of them come back.  I had no idea what we were doing.  When it was finally my turn (curse alphabetical order . . . ) I went forward and was led to this floor that opened into the ocean.  I was supposed to climb into this one-man submarine and be taken hundreds of miles away and dropped off.  Alone.  As I was about to shut the door, I asked "So will I make it back here alive?"  And the guy said, "If you make it back, it means you are in the graduate program."

Fully feeling like I was going to either drown because the submarine would be faulty, or die of suffocation, I nodded and shut the door and let them take me.  When I was dropped off in the middle of the ocean the last thing I heard was someone back at the main building saying through my gadgety sub "Now don't worry, we will control your machine.  You just sit tight."

So I just floated through this endless sea for hours while someone controlled my fate. The thing is, I didn't know what the alternative was if I didn't make it into the program.  
Claustrophobia?

Death by marine animal attack?

Davy Jones Locker?

Or that the controllers would forget me.  Or all of my friends would never see me again, that I would somehow fail where they hadn't.  But mostly, I just felt weird that I didn't know about this in advance and that I was in my pajamas, without a bra--which always unnerves me in a dream.  But REALLY, I felt peace.  And this resolve to die if it was asked of me or to live if it was asked of me.  After that, my mind became as still as the sea around me and lost in the hours.

This peaceful, mindless floating, finally ended, and I emerged from the depths.  The controllers opened my door and I met the same guy as before.  He told me that I was admitted into the graduate program and that my scores were among the highest.  He said I had never had anything to worry about, there was no way I would have been rejected.  My other life problems (besides being braless) were also seemingly resolved.

So I am privileged to be in my own mind all day, and let me say, it hasn't been calm for months.  And I feel crazy, unsettled, panicked, and exhausted at most hours of the day.  And then it switches to elated, joyous, hopeful, and just accepting the rest of the time.  From this dream one may learn that despite my extremely vacillating mind when I am awake:

I have got
the
MOST
hopeful,
kick-butt,
"nam myoho renge kyo"
sub-conscious.