Silent Dating: Can you connect?

Social Dating Hypothesis: I can communicate non-verbally and my date and I can feel an increase in connection and fun.

METHODS

Participant criteria:

Male, 25-46, social acquaintance, voluntary status, knows my name.

Recruitment: 

I had two men in mind.  I had met both of these men on a weekend cabin trip and had only spent time with them 1-2 times after that.  I was recently reminded of both--one I randomly ran into at Target and was so delighted to see him that I temporarily forgot my vow of silence.  The other had spontaneously instigated a hilarious snowball version of the hunger games and forced us to play till there was one person left standing while he, the game maker, recorded and commentated.  I sent a Facebook message describing my goal to go on a date in silence and my hope for their company.   Both responded to the private message with what seemed a genuine willingness.

Materials:

I made cards with words chosen from a google search for the 100 high frequency word lists.

I also made a few question cards that had blanks in the sentences so they could be used for more than one subject.

I selected 10 items from the Barrett-Lennard Relationship Inventory and adapted the scoring techniques to my 10 item version.

I also had blank pieces of paper and pens in case of the need to write something.

Study design: 

One of my dates voluntarily opted to be silent on the date as well.  This provided opportunity for a test and control  The control, Brett, would remain verbal for the date.  The test, Mike, would only use non-verbal communication methods.  All participants, myself included, would do the survey before and after the date.  For the mutually silent date, we selected bowling.  For the control date, we opted for rainy day gelato (and to my delight, I was able to convince him that we needed to go to dinner too because my favorite Italian restaurant was right next door--HUZZAH for spontaneity).

RESULTS

Control Scores: 

Participant	Pre-date	Post-date
Megan	16	19
Brett	16	18

Test Scores: 

Participant	Pre-date	Post-date
Megan	13	26
Mike	18	19

DISCUSSION

The scores do not show a significant increase in connection as measured by the Barrett-Lennard Relationship inventory.  This could be for many reasons.  The validity of the inventory may have been jeopardized by the exclusion of 54 other items . . . like I just took out a lot.  Also, the nature of the items were trying to get a score for how you feel you are perceived by the other person which is kind of confusing.

The only score that shows a significant increase is my score on the test date.  It could be that I, as the principle investigator, demonstrated a high bias in taking the survey.  I think I scored lower in the beginning because he had taken some days to get back to me.  One of those deep, dark, pits of despair/anger that I can get sucked into is feeling ignored.  I hate it.  Also, I am extra sensitive to this because I am usually the one instigating a date and in this phallocentric culture it is ingrained in women that "if a man is interested in you he will make something happen."  I could scream how anti-egalitarian this attitude is and how it completely keeps men in power and women as subservient hopefuls, reinforces that women had better do everything in their power to attract a male even if it is degrading because they don't have the option to pursue, etc.  all day.  But I won't.  So at this point, I feel like I have gotten really good at staying away from the dark pits and allow people room for error or just let it roll off my back and move on.  But I had a dream--we should all know by now how I feel about dreams--that Mike sent back an email that said "YIKES! This is moving too fast!"  Haha, so even though his messages after were super cool and totally reasonable regarding a late response, I may have had residual "walls up" feelings walking into the date.

Yet, through miming and getting extremely creative in our communication together, the genuine good time we had melted those walls and I felt such a genuine kindness from this man and an appreciation for him.  We talked about books, dreams, recent experiences, and other things like Bora Bora or Spain. I told him my hypothesis and this is what he said:

With Brett, perhaps my scores were only slightly altered because I felt like I already had an accurate understanding of how he perceived me, mostly because he offered observations on his response to the Facebook invitation (e.g. "I'm laughing just thinking about it." "with you I think it will be fun.") that had already put me at ease and told me I was perceived as "fun". Therefore, I walked into that date feeling more confident and relaxed. We found a lot about how our personalities are similar in some ways, but totally different in others. I laughed so hard when one of our conversations points led to me saying "I tend to value the spirit of things over the letter (i.e. personal interpretation vs. rules) and he didn't even finish reading the sentence before he was like, "Well yeah I could have guess that." I also liked when I told him how traveling alone is amazing in a lot of ways but when I really reach a moment of amazement, I instinctively look around to find someone to share it. He said, "Yeah, I get that. I have experienced that snowboarding. Sometimes it is nice to just go down the mountain, but when you really have a good crash it is kind of sad when no one sees it." While laughing, I also found the truth in this that we desire people to witness our pain as much as we desire them to witness our joy.

What started as an experiment/meet my go-on-a-date-this-quarter quota ended up as not one, but TWO of the best dates I have ever been on. I learned a lot about both of these men and was literally charmed by both--which doesn't happen very often (e.g. found out Brett has been volunteering for a while as a civics teacher for refugees which made me so full of heart melting judgements about him that seem accurate as his care and passion was evident). To have gone on both of these dates and experience zero stress and such total willingness left me with this word:  

REAL.  

They were both the most REAL dating experiences I have ever had. So while the data may not have reflected an increase, I feel like not speaking was an adventure instead of a barrier. I think the silence gave us a rare opportunity to have to attend to each other. We had to show up to the conversation. There were no last second nods to pretend like we were listening. There was no small talk to get in the way.

In therapy, there are a lot of reflecting statements. The purpose of reflecting is to demonstrate that you are understanding the person or at least attempting to. It also just sends the message that the person has your full attention. With Mike, we were in it together to make the conversation quality. So while there weren't verbal reflections, there was a lot of dedication and teamwork to communicate--which is super cool (e.g. Mike asked me what had happened in the last dream I could remember which is kind of already an abstract concept--but we did it! I think . . . I understood that in his dream he had almost quit his job because his BOSS boss had come in and was being awful). With Brett, most of what he did was reflection! IT FELT SO NICE!! I have a tendency to mistrust words--I want to be understood so badly that I will use every word I possibly know to try to make my meaning unmistakable. Brett showed so much interest in getting to know me and had to reflect back to me what he understood so I could confirm it. I don't think I give people that opportunity very often.

Who knew that silence would help me trust?

Anyways, I kind of feel weird talking about real people and my real experience with them side by side and publicly, mostly because I may come across as indifferent to them when that is the opposite of how I feel. I really value both of them for their unique qualities and personalities. There is something about this that I think is really important and should be shared.  

Also, I want both Brett and Mike to know that I will hands down go out again/be game for any eccentric or unique ideas you have--and I guess normal ones too/ remember this experience and be grateful I shared it with you. And I totally wrote it on my gratitude dresser.  

P.S.  I think there was only one instant in this process that I told Mike if he preferred me silent I would hate him forever . . . I am not entirely compliant to this state of being . . .