The last time I had to take a test that scared me was in Florence, Italy. I had just spent 4 months in a deepening depression as I tried to figure out what I was doing as an Au Pair in Italy and why it wasn't feeling right etc. The last month of it had been spent on my friend's futon as an urchin who had been given a home after I moved out of the family's house. It was also the darkest month of my life. I had never experienced the weight of depression like that, nor have I since. I shudder to think about it. I assure you, the girl you know today would have been unrecognizable in that girl.
Through moving to Florence, poetically the city of the renaissance--of rebirth, I was learning what it would to be myself again. I could talk forever about that process and how every moment was so difficult. In each millisecond, I had to decide what to believe. Did I believe that things would work out or would the darkness just take me? It was exhausting. But, slowly, I started becoming myself again. By the end of my training program in Florence, I felt so close to that rebirth and the only thing that stood between me and new life was a stupid test.
I have never failed anything academic in my life. I don't think I am particularly brilliant, I think I am just good at people pleasing so I knew how to pass tests and get A's. The way this 50 question grammar scared me would cause you to think that it was organic chemistry or something.
I remember the room when they told me I passed. Two teachers and I were crowded around a small table in a tiny room with a paper cutter and staplers. I started crying and they let me talk about how anxious I had been.
Flash forward 5 years and the remnants of that experience both strengthened me and terrified me. Every time I got nervous, I just remembered that room and the relief it held. I remembered my dream that had comforted me when I was unsure if I would get into the MSW program. I have been feeling like my life was too good to be true right now. The only thing standing between me and this new life was a stupid test.
I had a really good study plan. I did a practice test every day at the same time my exam was scheduled. I did all the methods people taught me--the tricks to passing. I learned stuff they had never talked about in school. Counted down the days.
But if you know me, you know I don't really stick to plans.
The anxiety built up and I reached out to people I trusted for their wisdom and blessing. My friend, one of the wisest of all, told me this: "I learned something about birth and death today. Women who are pregnant go through a period of nesting. They just feel urged and energized to make room for this new life. In death, people sometimes get a burst of energy before and tie up loose ends or spend time with important people in their life. This is the same for you right now, Megan. Trust your body. You know exactly how to tie up the end of this experience and how to make room for the next."
Nothing calmed me more than that. She was so right! So I listened to my gut and abandoned all my plans and methods and just did what felt right to me. I moved up the date of my test and totally took it at the opposite time of the practices I had done. I actually kept one of my own secrets for the first time in my life and didn't tell anyone when it was (don't worry, I can keep your secrets). I did yoga, chanted (in my mind), asked the women spirits who are always with me to help, prayed, had a nice chat with God where I encouraged him (I laughed at myself for that one but I really do know that he has got this whole eternal progression thing and felt impressed to say it), I listened to music that was in my soul, and then I went and took the test. Right before I submitted it, I did a mindfulness technique that involves calming down.
The two part exercise shows me what I fear the most, what I think I can control, and what I tell myself about the outcome. The second half always shows me the truth.
First: What if I fail? Is there anything else I can do--anything I can change to make me pass this test? I feel sick. I hate this.
Second: The only way is forward.
Pass or fail, new life or setbacks, the only way is forward.
Results: PASS
I can't help but think about how our souls truly know what we need. If we let it, it can guide us to the exact right amount of heartbreak and the right door to joy. I could not have designed my experience in Italy to be the exact transforming moment I would need to remember to get through this dream of school. All we can do is follow our hearts forward. Somehow, in the midst of that authenticity, we also build safety nets for ourselves, memories and experiences that are powerful enough to give us hope to get through the next hardest thing. So don't think about the pass or the fail. Think about living. And go forward.
Italy:
Today:
(I am cutting the advent calendar that I made while trying not to procrastinate any more . . . I will let you work the counter-productivity of that one out . . .)
ON TO THE NEXT:
No comments:
Post a Comment